04.27.09
Posted in Life at 11:45 am by Rob Schultz
Ceteris Paribus.
Which is to say, all else being equal, if you’re some economist or guy who likes to make arguments based on inconvenient terminology (like an economist). All else being equal, I prefered “can only sleep with the TV set to maximum volume” guy to “vomiting out a window or perhaps off a balcony” guy, as neighbors go.
Or so I thought. VOAW(OPOAB)-guy has been going for about 12 hours now, which has taken on comic proportions, even if the scream while vomiting and a second later, the splash of said vomit isn’t any less horrible than it was last night.
And on that note, please allow me to introduce you to a short post written on Oct 12, 2008, that never got past the draft button:
This might be a difference of living in the city vs. the suburbs, but when I was growing up, if the kids down the street were screaming their heads off, it was part of whatever game they were playing, and you ignored it.
Not the case at a friend’s house a few months ago, in a fairly suburban corner of LA, when the neighbor kid started screaming his head off. Our host dropped everything to go to the back yard and yell ‘are you okay?’ for a little while, and then went around to go knock at the neighbor’s door and see how things were going. Seemed strange, but only to a few of us. To the rest, we seemed monstrous for being inclined to ignore it.
But what happens when max-volume-TV-neighbor can go to bed and leave some horror movie on, with a woman in distress screaming “HELP ME! HELP ME PLEASE! SOMEBODY! SOMEBODY HELP!” at 2 am? What’s neighborly then?
Maybe the thing to do is to just let one of the other neighbors take care of it. Relying on ’someone else’ to call the cops, or to put out that fire, or to cure cancer is typically a recipe for disaster, but we can rest assured that one nearby neighbor is on the case. Angry-yelling-out-the-window-guy moved in somewhere around here lately, and I like him.
The family with the new baby does a pretty good job, and the baby doesn’t cry very often, but when it does, angry-window-yelling-guy is on top of it. Someone’s gotta tell that baby to shut up, after all, or it’ll never stop crying! He makes me feel like I live in a movie about New York in the 1970s. There’re two girls fighting about something right now, about 1:30am, and angry-guy set ‘em straight: “You’re both assholes,” proclaims he, “now shut up!”
Permalink
04.20.09
Posted in Life at 11:52 pm by Rob Schultz
“There’s nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
And yet, just wanting to like something doesn’t seem to be quite the same as genuinely enjoying it.
Legends of Zork is a newish browser-based game, nominally set in the world of Zork text adventures. A more accurate description of the game seems to be turn-based World of Warcraft, with Zork-flavored names for the places and some of the monsters. There are no puzzles, or, there are things called puzzles which you solve or don’t based on a dice roll. There is no inventory, or, there are weapons you can hold, which, in combination with magic spells you can buy, modify your dice rolling battle results. There’s nothing to look at, aside from maybe a dozen banner-ad sized illustrations, no clever descriptions of things, and nothing to do except grind for points. Players may fight monsters in order to gain experience points and level up, or they may fight each other for useless fame points and slightly less useless money points with which more weapons and armor are purchased, in order to fight more monsters in order to level up, which increases the maximum allowed wager in the PvP arena, which allows faster money making to buy weapons and armor. Great. I’ve stuck it out so far in the hope of something interesting happening. Even tried multiple characters with different goals (making money, magic user, fighter) and the gameplay offers nothing to make these characters different from one another. Still, it’s probably a slightly better version of Zork than the novelizations of the late 1980s. But at least the books didn’t keep automatically logging me out.
Parks & Recreation is the quasi-spin-off of The Office (US). It seems like it leans on the fact that most viewers will see it immediately after The Office on TV, and makes heavy use of all the mock-doc techniques found in the other show. Granted, I didn’t really like The Office either two episodes in, and now I’m a fan, but the thing that makes it seem odd to me is that it doesn’t feel like it is or could be a documentary. Similar to how The Foot Fist Way attempted to use that style without committing to the limits that go with it, maybe, or just too jokey. I guess I’d rather be wrong, but it’s not sitting very well yet.
I saw one Dane watch a Desperate Housewives last night. That only barely qualifies for this topic because I don’t think anything should have to be that lousy.
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04.19.09
Posted in Life, Work at 3:44 am by Rob Schultz
Current Rob (Producing) is working on the SpikeTV show, has a feature coming up in June that could maybe shoot RED, and is making daily visible progress on the new radio show. It’s visible because there’s a google doc spreadsheet with delightful color coding to keep track. It’s like this right now:
Current Rob (Consuming) is up to movie #1,452, and the recent lot is made up of some poor documentaries, a bunch of shorts of varying quality (including one he worked on in early 2006, which recently won a prize), and a couple of others. Role Models, for instance, was much more David Wain-like than reviews may have led one to believe, and whilst editing a UCB video starring an actor with a supporting role in the film, Rob’s worlds collided just a little bit.
Hanging around the LA comedy thing has begun the odd but not unpleasant phenomenon of Rob seeing folks he knows in a lot of movies and tv and things lately. Not to mention in some old conan bits that high school Rob sure enjoyed.
Speaking of, High school Rob is attending the St. Rita’s Youth Group Retreat Retreat, which is a planning session for the big 90-kid event weekend to be thrown at the end of the school year. On Saturday evening, Catholic mass is said. At the end of the first of two halves that make up the ceremony, the Liturgy of the Word, is the General Intercessions – a series of foci for which the congregation may direct their prayers – common subjects include world leaders, that their decisions may bring peace and harmony to the world; this retreat team, that they might receive guidance to achieve their task; St. Rita, St. Mark, and all the saints; ailing and recently departed relatives or members of the community, that they may be healed or find eternal peace (respectively); and in as small a service as the one being held, individual people or causes on the minds of the group. High school Rob contributes “stuntmen, daredevils, and people attempting to break or lay claim to especially dangerous world records who jeopardize their lives on a regular basis.” The priest struggles not to giggle and apologizes later in the evening, just in case Rob was serious and maybe knew such a person. He did not, but played the whole thing very straight, as one must.
Permalink
04.08.09
Posted in Comedy Jokes at 12:24 pm by Rob Schultz
Wow. Just… wow. This one took an hour or two.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I don’t think I can ever love you.
Stranger: why not
You: too strange.
Stranger: what do u want to do then
You: I’m not opposed to a civil union, for the tax and insurance benefits as much as anything.
Stranger: north korea
You: and maybe, in time, love will come, but it’s got a long road ahead.
Stranger: china?
You: Also: separate beds. You snore a lot, and you were never a satisfying lover.
You: I’m sorry to unload these, well, blunt truths all at once, but the therapist says it’s the only way.
Stranger: are u crazy
You: If not for the kids, I think I would have left you in the 1980s.
Stranger: danm your old
You: After that thing with you and the stewardess.
Stranger: she was hot
Stranger: do u love samuel l jackson?
You: damn you terry! damn you! why couldn’t you ever say -I- was hot?
You: always with that stewardess!
Stranger: im sorry but i knew u had a thing for samuel
You: And don’t think that I don’t know you put our son up to suggesting we name the dog lacey. He just -happened- to come up with her name when we were naming the beagle?
You: are you kidding me, terry?
Stranger: i love beagles
Stranger: i use to have one
Stranger: it ran away
You: It was a good dog, but I hated it so much because of you.
Stranger: why
Stranger: beagles are so good
You: As if you didn’t know!
Stranger: i loved our beagle
You: It never ran away, Terry. It’s buried under that stupid “time capsule” you put in the back yard.
You: If only you loved me the way you loved that damned beagle!
Stranger: but jen
Stranger: i love u
You: don’t you ‘but jen’ me!
Stranger: jen please
You: it’s always the same with you!
Stranger: stop doing this to me
You: oh, that’s rich, I’m the one doing this to you now?
You: I suppose I’m the one making you run around with that tramp on the third weekend of every month then?
Stranger: but i always gave u what you wanted
You: I didn’t want all that bullshit, I wanted a husband!
Stranger: how did you know
Stranger: i am your husband
Stranger: i gave you everything!
Stranger: cars, jewelry, i put food on your table!
You: I wanted someone who would spend time with the kids in the evening, I wanted someone who would clean beagle leavings out of the yard, I wanted someone who cared!
Stranger: and I pleased you in bed like how you wanted it
Stranger: Baby, I WORK, i cant spend time with the kids every evening
Stranger: do you want me to quit my job?
Stranger: What did you do? nothing
Stranger: all you did was stay home all day and do who knows what
Stranger: for all i know you could have had someone over
You: I can count every time you tried to ‘please’ me, because we have another mouth to feed for each and every one!
You: our so-called sex life is old enough to vote!
You: And terry: I -never- cheated on you.
Stranger: so you were acting? i thought u enjoyed are sex life
You: And you know what’s worse? I wish I had!
You: “Don’t sink down to his level” they told me.
You: “Make him rise to yours” they said. What a load of trash!
Stranger: Your friends are stupid
You: oh, and the poker club is some kind of brain trust?!
Stranger: i have a secret
Stranger: your friend jessica….
Stranger: she jumped on me…
You: pshh, who hasn’t she jumped on? All the more reason the separate beds are a good idea.
You: I knew she’d done it when I saw you scratching more than usual.
Stranger: you probably have it too…
You: the hell I do!
Stranger: you do, i saw you shave it off
You: more proof you don’t know what the hell is going on down there.
You: I don’t even do your laundry in our washer anymore. I don’t need the kids getting a nasty surprise like that.
You: And speaking of surprises, that bottle of scotch was for my dad’s birthday next month.
Stranger: well your dad is a jackass and he doesnt deserve scotch
Stranger: he deserves shitty beer
You: if you’re going to take it, at least have the balls to own up to it, It’s pretty obvious when the wax seal is broken.
Stranger: Yes I drank it
You: and it’s just your damn money that’s going to go to a fresh bottle anyway.
Stranger: so what big deal
You: the “big deal” is that you’re going around with your ‘8 months sober’ pin and it’s a damned lie
You: …as anyone who has been in a room with you and that breath can tell in an instant.
You: it makes a mockery of the program, is what it does.
You: I wouldn’t be surprised to see you’re back into the nosecandy again too.
Stranger: im cutting off your funds
You: Is THAT why you don’t want me to see the bank accounts anymore?
Stranger: I GOT FIRED
Stranger: okay
Stranger: there secrets out
Stranger: i didnt know how to tell you
Stranger: bank funds? there are no bank funds
You: I could tell two months ago when they bulldozed your old office, you bastard!
You: you coward!
Stranger: and you still buy the kids barbies and toys left and right
Stranger: and you come home with shopping bags
You: if YOU can pretend, and YOU can still drive 28 miles each day as though you’re roundtripping to the office, then SO CAN I!
Stranger: WHERE do you get this money?
Stranger: i NEED to know one thing… its samuel isnt it
You: bah, who needs money? Barbie wants to be free.
You: And I told you – I DIDN’T CHEAT!
You: I could’ve. Oh MAN, I could’ve, but I didn’t!
Stranger: U NEVER told me where that disgusting THING came from on your upper lip
You: Terry, that’s a birthmark.
Stranger: That is no birthmark
Stranger: DONT BS with me
You: show a little class for once, yeah? I’ve had it since you’ve known me.
Stranger: A birthmark does not suddenly appear overnight
You: Get out the yearbook, it’s always been there.
Stranger: What about you shaving?
You: What ABOUT my shaving?
Stranger: We havent had sex in months
You: damn straight we haven’t. And you’re not getting anywhere near me since that Jessica nonsense.
You: It’s not like Rhonda, Rhoda, Seamus, and Eamonn need another little sibling anyhow.
Stranger: why would you shave
You: It makes me feel beautiful, okay? It makes me feel young, and desirable, and like a woman
You: like all the things you DON’T make me feel!
Stranger: I GAVE you everything you wanted?
Stranger: I DID didnt I
You: NO!!!!
Stranger: I am taking the kids to my moms
You: What you gave me was gin. And a ride home after the football game. And Rhoda.
Stranger: I cant have the kids live with such a crazy monster like you
Stranger: Rhoda was your fault you danm hoe
You: That whore? MY children aren’t going anywhere near her place, and you sure as HELL aren’t taking them out of state! I’ll call the cops!
Stranger: YOU ruined my COLLEGE education
Stranger: I HAD TO DROP OUT becuase of you
You: You ruined my high school education!
Stranger: WHY did you have to throw yourself onto me
You: You should’ve gone to jail, not to the altar!
You: I’m sure I DIDN’T but if I had to guess, the same gin that kept me from remembering that night probably kept me from being able to stand up straight
Stranger: jen you were a silly hoe in high school
You: you’re out of your mind
Stranger: you even got with mr. jackson, out PE teacher
Stranger: our*
You: Hah! You thought that rumor was about me? That was totally Jen Pora.
You: You wasted your whole life chasing after the wrong skirt!
Stranger: NO that WAS YOU
Stranger: Ms. Hoe, class of 75
Stranger: that was your nickname remember?
You: in your dreams, you horrible he-slut!
You: and anyway, it’s spelled Hoer.
Stranger: Go walk the streets where you belong
You: not like taking YOUR name was so much better.
Stranger: I was an allstar football player in HS and could have gone all the way if it werent for you
You: I’d say you’ve been all the way plenty of times, with and without me.
Stranger: Can we please work this out?
You: You know what Kim told me at mahjong this week? “If a woman sleeps around, she’s called a slut, but what do you call a man that sleeps with anything that moves? Terry!”
You: Believe me, I’d -like- to work it out, I just don’t know how to stop fighting with you.
Stranger: Kim is a slut
Stranger: all your friends are sluts
Stranger: i guess they learned from you
You: See?
You: THIS is why we can’t work it out!
You: Why would you say something like that?
Stranger: Because you always start these fights
Stranger: Why cant you just stop
You: Is it the booze again? Are you on the booze?
You: You know there are 12 steps in AA right? Don’t you ever wonder about the back 11?
Stranger: I AM NOT AN ALCHOLIC
Stranger: YOUR FATHER IS
Stranger: AND SAME WITH YOUR MOTHER
You: My FATHER is a WAR HERO, and he deserves all the comfort this nation can afford him!
Stranger: dont give me that go to AA bs
Stranger: if anything you should do AA
You: good god, maybe those back 11 steps can wait, since you clearly are nowhere near mastering step 1
You: I’ll try to let the horrible things you’ve said pass, Terry, because I know you don’t mean them, and I know you don’t even know what you’re saying right now.
Stranger: i knower sorryy baby ive been a horibble husband
Stranger: immdurnk
You: but I’ll tell you, when rhonda and rhoda and seamus and eamonn and I go to mass on sunday, I’ve got half a mind to not even pray for you.
Stranger: your rightt
Stranger: Dont tell the kids whats going on with us
You: the kids aren’t stupid. or deaf.
Stranger: seamus is retarted
You: and eamonn’s almost 13 now. Smurf dolls are no longer an acceptable bribe in exchange for his emotions
Stranger: do you know why? becuase you drank heavily with him in you
You: Seamus is dyslexic, he’s not retarded.
Stranger: WAHT EVER
Stranger: SAME THING
Stranger: HES STUPID BECAUSE OF YOU
You: my real regret was the time I drank heavily with YOU in me.
Stranger: DONT BLAME THE DRANK
Stranger: blame the hoe inside of you
You: Terry, I think you need to calm down
Stranger: I CANT
Stranger: IM PISSED
Stranger: YOU always give me shit
Stranger: I DONT KNOW how long i can take it
You: Well than have some sanka and sober the hell up
You: I’m done with being the neighbors’ entertainment for one night
Stranger: i need to go
Stranger: go out of the country
Stranger: away from you
You: we’re lucky if they haven’t called the cops already, the way you’re yelling
Stranger: i cant stand you
You: Well then call a cab
Stranger: im driving
You: I can’t have you wrecking the Nova
You: I need to be able to drive the kids to school
Stranger: the nova is already a wreck
Stranger: tell them to walk
You: Well at least it still has all its windows, unlike the taurus.
Stranger: i have to go
Stranger: for real lol
You: you keep your lols to yourself, buddy
Stranger: lol this was interesting
You: fine then
You: go
You: and don’t step in beagle leavings on your way out
Stranger: ill be back im going out for a smoke
You: oh great. Great. Now you’re smoking again.
You: I thought we agreed you were stopping.
You: It’s bad for the kids, it’s bad for me, it’s even bad for you.
You: even if I don’t know why I should care about THAT
Stranger: I SMOKE TO relieve the stress you cause me
You: I cause you stress because you SMOKE
You: my kids don’t need that poison in their lungs
Stranger: i dont smoke in front of the kids
Stranger: i would never harm the kids
You: and I don’t need that stink all over my porch, and the clothes you bring in my house
Stranger: where r u from
Stranger: it was a fun talk
Stranger: have a nice day jen i love u
Permalink
04.06.09
Posted in Movies at 8:43 pm by Rob Schultz
Seems to me most flicks I see lately fall into one of three categories, and that they mainly break down by era of production.
I’d say that it feels like the majority of films produced nowadays feel unsatisfying. I suspect it’s to do with trying to break from the formats and conventions that have come before, and I couldn’t say whether the uncomfortable feeling comes from having the accepted norms broken or from the new breed of filmmaker still struggling to find the next thing, which perhaps hasn’t quite hit yet.
The convention they’re escaping seems especially prevalent in films from, say, the late 1960s through the late 1990s, a generation back. These are movies with strong, well-defined three act structures, and beats you can absolutely feel adhering to the campbell-style hero’s journey and whatnot.
Perhaps the former group represent the democratization of film, the era in which I can have a video camera in my monitor here, while the latter are the film school generation. And if so, then the generation they followed and broke with are the pioneers – the first generation of filmmakers to have access to film technology as we’d generally still think of it today.
Or, we could probably follow the money and see a similar story. Films today made by corporations that were previously made following an auteur model that followed the studio system. In either case, I don’t believe that the modern audience is dumber than it used to be. If anything, it’s more responsive to film on a technical level, more apt to catch shots that would have once been considered subliminal images, simply from being trained by modern TV / commercials.
And yet, even though it’s a popular comment to make, I’d say it is very rare, the modern movie that is worthy of the claim that repeat viewings are necessary “to catch everything.” Even with the recent popularity of huge twist endings. For my viewing dollar, it was those much earlier flicks that stand up to or even demand the repeat screenings. Maybe there’s something inherent to an age in which repeat viewings meant repeat trips to the cinema vs. the present day theatrical release as commercial for home video. Maybe in a previous age when a studio owned itself and was in the business of making movies they were less afraid of subtlety than the present day conglomeratory edicts of synergy.
Or maybe, since nearly all strata of movie are made in all eras of cinema, less of the previous generations’ chaff is conveniently available and I happen to have been drawing a bunch of latter day losers. Here’s the recent rundown:
- Young @ Heart – I highly recommend the trailer for this documentary. As much as the movie itself, about a senior center choir that sings songs from soul to punk, adheres to the hero’s journey formula, the trailer adheres to the tradition of including the only worthwhile and enticing parts of the film.
- Blip Festival: Reformat the Planet – This was a slightly better music doc, about making music with (mainly) repurposed electronics, like original gameboys (which have a warmer sound). Naturally, it’s a pretty nerdy cast.
- His Name Was Jason – Because the studios aren’t quite ballsy enough yet to simply release a disc that features all the nudity and kills strung together.
- Rocky III – Hulk Hogan! Mr. T! Mick! Oh, and Rocky, too. I didn’t realize that the whole “I pity the fool” schtick actually came from a scripted line for a Clubber Lang. I suspect I still haven’t seen Rocky II, so this is the fulcrum on my Rocky movie scale. And there’s something to be said for the 80s model of making sequels that says you’re actually supposed to deliver more of what people liked the last go ’round.
- The Thing – I got to six of the items on this list because Hulu just lost a load of features for some reason. I’d seen the Thing-like episode of a number of other sci-fi shows, especially the X-Files, but it’s a pretty solid and suspenseful movie. Even the monsters hold up pretty well.
- Swimfan – This is pretty ridiculous. Fatal Attraction set in high school. I’m pretty sure it’s not actually supposed to be a comedy, but it’s really silly. In brief: boy meets girl, boy has sex with girl behind girlfriend’s back, girlfriend finds out and breaks up with boy whilst girl frames boy for a dozen felonies in the space of a week, boy is cleared of all charges and gets back together with girlfriend who seems to have forgotten the one thing he actually did do was cheat on her.
- The Siege – Starring Denzel Washington as himself and Tony Shaloub as an arab. What if New York City were the victim of a terrorist attack? It’s pretty simple, actually. All you have to do is apprehend The Last Cell of terrorists and then terror will be over. I’m surprised you didn’t think of that.
- Thunderbolt and Lightfoot – This was pretty great. Clint Eastwood and Jeff Bridges and George Kennedy are going to rob a bank in the 1970s. I’ll admit though, I’m surprised more talk show hosts and such don’t keep re-using clips from this movie of Bridges in drag.
- The Final Curtain - Straight to video story of warring game show hosts, with Peter O’Toole and Adrian Lester, aka Hustle’s Mickey Bricks. Not, you know, very good, perhaps because they couldn’t decide if they were making a mock-doc or not.
- The Warriors – One gang gets framed for killing a member of another gang by another gang and then has to fight all these other gangs to just get away from the other gang on their way home, where they’ll fight that first other gang? This is one you hear about a lot, and it seems like the sort of thing you couldn’t do anymore, even if they are apparently remaking it. The comic book transitions seemed really modern though – I may have been watching the recent rerelease. Also: probably a/the inspiration for River City Ransom, if I had to guess.
- Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home – The thing I usually dislike about Star Trek is the strict syndicated maintenance of the status quo. Episodes end where they began so we can watch in any order. I suppose there’s a certain amount of story told across the various series as they grew and evolved, but I didn’t realize how much the original film series was telling a continuous story (even though I saw part 6 in theaters for some reason), because this movie didn’t make a lick of sense. From the opening that chooses to not recap previous films for new viewers but instead to make sideways references to them as a nod to the fans, to somehow inventing an even lazier explanation for time travel than Superman: The Movie. I did enjoy how this fits into the mold of 80s sequels as well, where other film series run out of ideas and eventually add “In Space!” to the title, this series about being in space goes down to earth!
- Death Race – Statham. Works as a pretty good video game movie, although not explicitly based on a video game. Kind of in the Ultraviolet school of moviemaking. But really, there was no reason whatsoever to have ‘copilots.’ They don’t help, can’t do anything, and apparently the audience can’t even see them. (There’s the line about how they bring in the chicks to entice viewers, but Statham doesn’t have to wear the Frankenstein mask while he drives, so there’re no cameras in the cars?)
- Monsters Vs. Aliens – Thumbs down. Too campy. Animation just doesn’t hold up the competition (everyone’s crosseyed, lip sync is weird). More overtly gimmicky than most of the recent spate of 3D releases. (At least the animated movies. Didn’t see Bloody Valentine or Journey to the Center of the Earth).
- Knowing – Something in this movie makes me not want to give it the thumbs down, but I can’t tell what that something is. The movie seemed very episodic, with each episode only barely having any bearing on episodes to come. Oh, here are some fancy effects scenes. Now back to the mystery. Now let’s be a horror movie for a few minutes. Just too scattered. Maybe the trouble is that we (that is, I) never have any particular reason to care about the characters? Nic Cage’s one expression isn’t really suited to characters the audience needs to feel something about.
- Lawrence of Arabia – Tremendous! I would’ve gone right back into the theater and watched this again, if that’d been an option. I think for all the movies on this list, it can be distilled down to 10% or less (per sturgeon’s law, I suppose) that I’d actually recommend to someone, and this rises right into a spot on that part of the list.
So that’s approximately 4/15 this round. It makes me wonder if ’see everything’ is really the right approach. Sometimes, ‘just see good things’ sounds better.
Permalink
04.03.09
Posted in Comedy Jokes at 7:19 pm by Rob Schultz
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: should the cock be capitalized?
You: you must be SO lonely
You: poor dear.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: You’re talking to a ‘bot, moron!
Stranger: I am
You: You’re talking to a ‘bot, moron!
Stranger: I don’t believe you
You: You’re talking to a ‘bot, moron!
Stranger: fuck you
You: You’re talking to a ‘bot, moron!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: I don’t have time to chat, I lost my keys.
Stranger: well that blows
You: yeah, I know. I don’t really have time to talk to strangers.
Stranger: o ok then. maybe we can be friends then?
You: I’m sorry. I really do need a friend right now, but I don’t have time to type. I’m looking for those darn keys!
Connection asploded.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: oh crp I jut pilled my drink on the keybord
Stranger: hahahhaha
Stranger: sad
You: the to ro on the left ren’t orking
Stranger: sucks
You: thi i terrible
Stranger: i’m sorry
Stranger: well asl?
You: I till hve hlf pper to rite, too
Stranger: i’m sorry
You: I hve to think of ord ith different letter no
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hello!
You: Welcome to the text adventure!
You: Do you want to get on the highway or take surface roads?
You: surface roads are like local sidestreets, but the highway might go to the danger zone!
Stranger: highway!
You: You’re now on the highway.
You: Oh man, it’s backed up for miles!
You: Do you want to turn on the radio or leave it off?
Stranger: Hmm. What kind of car do I have?
Stranger: I want the radio on
You: You’re driving a chevy nova!
You: The radio is on.
Stranger: FFFFUUU
You: Do you want the hard rock music, or the classical birdsongs?
You: Your car advances seven feet.
Stranger: Classical birdsongs. The traffic will stress me out, so the music will have a calming effect
You: You’re listening to classical birdsongs
You: Your car advances seven feet.
You: Suddenly, the music is interrupted!
Stranger: Oh no!
You: An announcer breaks in with a special report!
You: He needs more money to continue the classical birdsongs!
Stranger: Damn.
You: Do you want to pledge at the dollar a day level or the 13 dollars a week bonus gold member level?
Stranger: Gold member, of course
You: Your car advances seven feet.
You: A jogger passes the car.
You: You call the classical birdsong station.
Stranger: Good
You: Suddenly, the battery on your phone explodes!
You: ***you have died***
Stranger: Ah, how unfortunate
You: ***you scored 14 out of a possible 1300 points***
Stranger: twas a good run, though
Stranger: only 14 points, darn
Stranger: thanks for letting me play!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: oi
You: Shhh.
You: don’t say anything
You: let’s just enjoy the moment.
Stranger: sure
Stranger: finish?
You: ssh!
Stranger: sory
You: just take deep breaths, and think of england.
Stranger: yes
Stranger: …..
Stranger:
what I do now?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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04.02.09
Posted in Comedy Jokes at 11:30 pm by Rob Schultz
So there’s this Omegle thing, which is about the same as the hyperintelligent notArt chat robot from like seven years ago. Unlike the robot, which secretly connected you with another person also trying to talk to the supposed robot, this service admits that it is connecting you with an arbitrary stranger.
The important thing to note here is that this service is based on the INTERNET, so certain established theories immediately come into effect. That being said….
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is ‘I’ve just bought a car’ and 10 is ‘Which one of these drinks is mine?’ how lonely would you say you feel right now?
Stranger: hello
You: Please, just a number.
Stranger: 1
You: Ah excellent.
You: You may begin conversation now.
Stranger: yeah
You: Converse at any moment.
Stranger: where are u ?
You: The system is ready for you, you may begin.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is ‘I’ve just bought a car’ and 10 is ‘Which one of these drinks is mine?’ how lonely would you say you feel right now?
Stranger: hellow
You: Please, just a number.
Stranger: english? spanish? portuguese?
You: You may use numerals.
Stranger: sorry
Stranger: but i am brasilian
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is ‘I’ve just bought a car’ and 10 is ‘Which one of these drinks is mine?’ how lonely would you say you feel right now?
Stranger: o
You: I should inform you, time is a factor in calibrating the system.
Stranger: 7
You: That is staggeringly lonely indeed.
You: The system is ready.
You: You may begin a conversation.
Stranger: I will just blade at 45 degrees be fore disenGAGING
You: Feel free to begin a conversation at your discretion.
Stranger: YOU WILL NOT TOUCH MY WEAPON!!!!
You: You may start conversing at your leisure.
Stranger: OMG IT SPINS!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS
You: well what are you waiting for?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: …
Stranger: yes
You: …
Stranger: i can make tornados
You: …
Stranger: yea
You: …
Stranger: its true
You: …
Stranger: oh yes
You: …
Stranger: i do not lie
You: …
Stranger: ooooh
You: …
Stranger: gi joe
You: …
Stranger: last one theres a penispump
You: …
Stranger: h
Stranger: ha
You: …
Stranger: i got you
You: …
Stranger: you should of done two i said two things
You: …
Stranger: you fucked up
You: …
Stranger: hahahaha
You: …
Stranger: df
Stranger: s
You: …
Stranger:
You: …
Stranger: see i did 3
You: …
Stranger: assfuck
You: …
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Ugh, you again.
You have disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: …
Stranger: hi
You: …
Stranger: are we still on for tonight
You: . . .
Stranger: fuck you
You: . . .
Stranger: fhfhften
Stranger: ntnnth
You: . . .
Stranger: hjtnt
Stranger: tnj
Stranger: njt
Stranger: jn
Stranger: jnhtnj
Stranger: yht
Stranger: jnth
You: . . .
Stranger: jn
Stranger: te
Stranger: jnt
Stranger: jn
Stranger: t
Stranger: thj
Stranger: jnh
Stranger: htmn
You: ia!
You: ia!
Stranger: just log off now
You: fhtagn!
Stranger: ntyn
Stranger: i see you right now
You: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
Stranger: degyveyeyfeghrugherruhekhefhkujfhjhukjghjfhsjkkgdhgjrethrwkthwjffhrhwkuvthvuhkuvht2rugvh2
You: moo
Stranger: grr
You: mulhaha!
Stranger: up yours
You: zwaHOOOM
Stranger: homo
You: …
Stranger: asl
You: gfy
Stranger: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
You: zoper yaha joejojo
Stranger: are you a guy or girl
You: shub niggurath!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
ou’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: 19/m
You: I -will- win this one.
You: I am a winner.
You: ME
You: Look, I’m winning right now.
Stranger: aw man
Stranger: i lost
You: That’s one for me.
Stranger: eh papi eh pai
You: fhtagn!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: ho money: it’s yo money
You: [denied]
Stranger: what are you son?
You: [EXPLETIVE!]
Stranger: are you a whiteliberal?
You: [OBSCENITY DELETED!]
Stranger: i fart comics
You: [ACTUALLY KIND OF CLEVER RACIAL SLUR OMITTED!]
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Permalink