07.20.07

CraP LA: I’m not a Phone Phreak, Sir

Posted in Comedy Jokes, Life at 12:22 am by Rob Schultz

Not real good last time, but I’ll try again.

At the good ol’ Hollywood Radio Shack today, picking up a few items that I hoped would make my noon meeting at 3 a touch easier. 1/8″ squid, crap headphones, volume limiter just in case.

While inside, an older gentleman comes in and approaches the ever-helpful clerk. He asks the clerk about those phones they have these days that have computer screens on them, the ones that can tell you who is calling before you pick up the phone – they just light up and tell you who it is, in case you don’t want to talk to someone. The clerk knows just the feature, and has a number of phones that support Caller ID that he would be happy to sell, but alas, the gentleman already has such a phone.

Is the clerk aware that the phone company charges $5 a month to use this feature? Or that it doesn’t cost the phone company a dime? Or what the hell is going on in Sacramento that the phone companies can just buy off these politicians and [name I've forgotten] won’t be getting the good gentleman’s vote a second time after letting this happen? Yes, yes, and no, it turns out.

It seems that the customer would like a device that will allow him to use the caller ID function that his phone clearly already has, without having to pay extra to ‘those bastards.’ Unfortunately, the clerk doesn’t have one for sale. Can the clerk just make him something, since this is Radio Shack after all, and that’s where they do that? No, the clerk explains that he doesn’t have any experience hacking phones, except for a couple of cellphones, but not the network. The gentleman is sure that the clerk is supposed to say that, but come on, can’t the clerk help?

“I’m sorry, I am not a phone ‘phreak,’ sir.”
“I didn’t call you a freak, I’m just asking for some help here buddy.”

Apparently people come in regularly expecting the Radio Shack of decades past, but they sell more in the way of cheap plastic crap than baggies of capacitors and resistors these days.

07.16.07

CraP LA: Move, little injured boy!

Posted in Comedy Jokes, Life at 11:44 pm by Rob Schultz

Two of the features of Los Angeles that I see as pretty much the biggest draws so far include:

1) A Preponderance and ready availability of slurpees at any time, and only a few minutes’ walk from my dwelling.

2) Really crazy people. I enjoy seeing people flip out, but I’m usually out alone somewhere, so I thought I might share stories from time to time about people like the lady at the Harry Potter 5 premiere who shouted and screamed at the register-less clerk at the concession stand whose job was simply trying to keep up with large drink and large popcorn refills.

Today I ate at a Subway restaurant, as I’m given to. Leaving means pulling out onto a busy street, but the driveway was completely blocked by a bus that was stopped (like the other vehicles) at a red light. This is reasonable to me, but not to the fella who couldn’t pull out until I did because he was behind me. BEEP! BEEP BEEP! BEEEEEP! Angry driver, sure, not that interesting…yet.

We pull out and the driver does that spiteful pass where they go around you but return to the original lane in a dangerous and threatening way, so that he can be first at the next stop light instead of me. A gaggle of kids crossed the street in front of us, some on skateboards. One boy spectacularly wiped out, Home Alone-style, landing on his back with his feet in the air and the board getting away. And the light changed. And again: the litany of beeping, as if to say, “MOVE! GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU WOUNDED CHILD! WHY WOULD YOU JUST LIE IN MY WAY, STUNNED OR HURT?! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!”

All the better to feed my fantasy that whenever you hear what you think is a car alarm, it’s really someone just beeping furiously.